Honesty

Honesty is a funny thing.......how many people can truly say they are honest??? Not many of the people that I know can make that claim, or maybe my standards are just too high......especially when I think I lead a totally dishonest life.

I play at life, I have a different mask/personality for different situations and I try to act accordingly......I have no idea how to like or even enjoy life - for me it's always something I have to endure until it's over, I know this isn't normal so I copy people to try and behave like them.......does that mean I'm not real???

I have 7 main masks and have had for most of my life.....daughter, sister, mother, wife, friend, hairdresser, quilter......the problem is I have lived like this for so long I don't know who the real me is. So if I'm not being real, am I living dishonestly???

I have been lied to yet again - but this time I feel no anger, I feel....NOTHING.....in actual fact, I admire the person for having the courage to admit all what they have done - I don't know if I would be so brave to stand before someone and tell them that everything they know about me is a lie and actually the only thing they can honestly know about me is my name, the rest - well it's sits in the bin marked lies. Can I judge them, when I believe my whole life is dishonest??? Can I judge them when other people I know live a life full of half truths and exaggerations and are allowed to merrily go on their way.......when does an exaggeration become a lie, if you are saying something that you know not to be true, then you must be lying, why do we dress it up as an exaggeration??? Sin is sin, so the bible says, it doesn't matter how big the lie, ALL sin is abhorent to God......why should one person be judged because they told big/many lies, when the person standing next to them (and judging them) claims to be better, and more righteous, because they only exaggerated a bit???

I just don't know who or how to trust anymore......how can I when I don't even know I am trustworthy.......

Deeper and deeper........

I feel that I'm sinking deeper and deeper.......I continue to face hurts, disappointments and let downs.

People lie, cheat, steal and slowly and surely they destroy your faith in humankind. They help destroy the trust you have in people, they destroy your confidence, make you think you aren't a good judge of character, make you suspicious of everyone else, don't hold up their end of an agreement, don't make good their promises........promises made before a third party and in the name of God.

They profess to being good Christians, but how can that be when they have stolen, lied to you, gone back on their word and treated you badly........that's certainly not my definition of being a Christian. How they can hold their head up in church is beyond me.......I guess I have to trust that God WILL judge them one day......but the damage for me and my family seems irrepairable right now. It took me years to trust people, years to believe and years to even think I had any hope........the further I sink down, the further away these seem......too far away to grasp onto.

My world has gone back to being black again......black and lonely.........and so full of hurt.

Adrift.....

It seems I am still adrift......I have suffered more panic attacks, anxiety and depression than I ever have before in my life. I have totally lost confidence in everything - myself, my family, friends, church, driving, life in general. The negative voice that has always lived in my head is back with a vengeance and sometimes I get physically worn out with the effort of trying not to listen to it.....and then there are times when I can't be bothered to fight and I listen to all the negativity and totally believe it all. To be honest I think somewhere deep, deep inside I have never stopped believing it.....

I am very thankful for my husband and daughter, I know where I would be without them and it's not a place I should go.....they have had to deal with a lot and put with a lot, they've been fab.....and a couple of friends are totally supportive too, but I'm back feeling I'm living a lie every moment, because I say and do the things I know they want to hear/see......I don't want them to burden themselves with worrying about me, but I also feel a total fraud, so that makes me withdraw even more from them because I hate being dishonest with them......I can't tell them how I really feel; I don't want to scare them.....I know none of them read this blog so it's safe to post it here, at least I feel I can be honest here.....

The people who have hurt us continue to hurt, with hurtful words and actions......the whole episode has left a bad taste in my mouth, and I know that taste, it's called MISTRUST......and has permeated every other area of my life, even my church life. Most sundays I can't face going, the panic sets in on Saturday night and is still there in the morning and I know it's just not going to happen that day.....and if I do go I spend my whole time trying not to turn tail and run out the door. I get nothing out of the service, even the worship, which was always able to break through before, can't reach me......I feel totally cast adrift.....lost and alone......

Thanks to all of you who left comments on my previous post, it's heartwarming to know people take the time to help......most of my life is lived through the window of the pc these days, I can't talk on the phone, in fact I won't even answer the phone.....I text a few people and I communicate mostly through email and facebook, but truthfully I want to walk away from it all and have no more contact, but I know thats a wrong road to walk down and it's not fair on my husband and daughter......so we plod on, exhausted, but unable to sleep, fighting the panic attacks, fighting the depression and fighting the voice in my head......isn't life sweet!!!!!!

Give and take.......

Some people in life give, and some people take........I am a 'giver' but it seems I am surrounded by 'takers'. We have had a run of people taking from us - some openly taking whatever we have to offer and some, taking in a more devious way, and then some who have openly stolen from us.........

At a time in my life where I need people to give to me, emotionally and spiritually, it seems I am not worth the bother. I am unable to give out anymore, I am completely empty - emotionally, spiritually and physically, and all those takers out there, where are they when I need them???? Nowhere!!!!!

So my life has become very small, it revolves around my husband and daughter, God (when I can lift my eyes long enough to seek Him) and my sewing. I find true peace when I sew, I can shut off and just concentrate on the sewing. I can shut off the hurt, pain and disappointment and pretend I don't care.........

Ultimately though, I am going to have to work out where my life is heading. Where I am going to be, what I am going to be, and who I'll allow to join me........but all that takes effort, and I don't have the energy right now, so for now I'm staying in limbo.

In this storm.....

This song really speaks to me at the moment.......

Difficult

This last week has been really difficult.......and not just emotionally. Physically I've come down with a rotten cold and just feel dreadful. I'm shattered, achey, coughing and sniffly - not nice.

Emotionally I haven't faired any better. I have been very down, can't sleep for days and then feel like I could sleep for days and have to drag myself out of bed. I'm tired the whole time and cannot concentrate on anything - a while back I was really starting to worry about my mind, I truly did think I was showing the first signs of alzheimers, but my counsellor assures me that what I'm experiencing is normal when you are under stress. I can sit and read something and immediately afterwards not have a clue what I have just read. I spend a lot of my time standing in a room wondering why I walked in there and I am trying not to do a lot of driving, because I've had a few times where Ive suddenly 'come to' in the car and not known where I was (because I wasn't concentrating on how I got there) forgetting where I'm going and even forgetting how to get to places I could drive to blindfolded, cos I know the routes so well........it's all a bit bizarre and if I'm honest, quite distressing at times. I can't seem to find any solace anywhere - I read my bible, or a daily reading and promptly can't recall what I have read, so any pearls of wisdom I may usually have found are not staying with me.........I feel like I am clinging on, quite literally.......I know God is there, but that is about all I know at the moment, but do you know what??? That is enough, to know He is there.

So true to my previous post, I AM posting, even though I have nothing very much to say.......

I'm back.......hopefully!!!!!

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted on here......but what a year it's been. Some of it good, but most of it bad, which is one of the main reasons I haven't posted.

I have been thinking a lot about the name of this blog - A Life Worth Living - and since July 2008 I've had to wonder 'is it a life worth living?'......I'm not suicudal or anything, but with a name like that it's very hard to post when you are in a very dark place.

The darkness hasn't lifted by any means, and to be honest some days I can't even believe there is an end to the tunnel I'm in, let alone see any light at the end of it........and my trust in people has been completely shattered. Shattered by people I considered real, true friends and the damage has been immense. I have found myself slipping back into past behaviours, and they're not always the right ones. I have retreated from my social circle and thrown up walls to keep everyone out. They went up so fast and strong that they were there before I even realised what I was doing.........and I am locked away so tightly within myself that I don't know how to emerge into the light again. I feel like a spectator on my own life. I feel like I am standing in the wings, watching the sorry excuse for my life as it stands now.........I'm not living life anymore, I'm observing life......even with counselling I'm struggling big time, but I do trust God, and I know he will be with me through this........

So here's to a better year than the last one.......and hopefully I'll keep up with this blog even if I don't think I have anything worth saying.......

New Year, New Me.......

2008 has arrived and with it a new me.......well the same old me, but with a new outer wrapper. I have been dieting since August and am now almost 5 and a half stone lighter or 78 lbs lighter. I have gone down 5 dress sizes and I still have a way to go........I want to be another 3 stone/3 dress sizes smaller but it is amazing the opportunities that have opened up in my life. I can now do things I once thought impossible......like shop in any high street shop - and the clothes fit - look at myself in a mirror, wear high heels, exercise more, but by far one of the biggest things is taking part in the Race for Life. I was always somebody who sponsored other people to do these sorts of things, because I literally was too fat and unfit to do it myself, but I have joined up with my dear friend Helen to run/walk 5k for Cancer Research UK.......there is a sponsor button on the left hand column or you can check out my sponsor web page here .and make a donation that way. Please prayerfully think about how much you can sponsor Helen and me and give as generously as you feel prompted to do. Thanking you in anticipation

Highs and lows...

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted here - or any of my blogs for that matter. There has been lots going on, some good, some bad......and for a time I was so pre-occupied with the bad going on around me I lost my focus, I took my eyes off God and couldn't see the blessings that were falling around me.

Luckily I have some very good friends who noticed I wasn't quite right (no matter how hard I tried to make everything look normal) and they pestered me and popped round until I shared......why do we hang onto things, when every time we share we realise it is so much better to not face it alone???

I had reached burnout and was exhausted and just wanted to run away and hide, but there is nowhere I can hide from God.......He was with me every step, giving me scripture to read, showing His mercy and grace and giving me permission to stop....."Stop and take rest in me......look to me, not the problems and I will lead through the darkness"........

I have taken some time out from some things and have taken some time to do things that I enjoy, things that had been missing from my life for almost a year.......scrapbooking, knitting, and my new craze - quilting!!!! And I'm starting a fab new bible study by Beth Moore called Jesus The One and Only which I'm sooo looking forward to........

Amazing.......

God is amazing.......I see that wherever I look. In everything Charley does or says, I see God shining through her, when I look at my friends I see God looking back at me........when I read my bible I hear God talking to me, when I pray He speaks to me.......he is everywhere and in everything.......

But the most amazing place I see Him is in me........sometimes I find it hard to link the person I am now, to the person I was before.........before I was all anger & hatred, bitterness, sarcasm, selfishness..........but now I am more generous, patient, forgiving and loving - and it's all God. I could never have made those changes if God hadn't changed me.......Amazing!!!!!

In true L.A. style..........

........us girlies went to a mall and had a pedicure and a new set of nails put on last night.........so our hands and feet are looking beautiful even if the rest of us is looking a bit pink!!!!!!!!

It is far too hot to sit out by the pool today so I think it will have to be yet another shopping trip - YAY!!!!!!

We have changed our holiday plans.........we are checking out of LA on Monday and driving to Las Vegas a few days early. We are booked into the MGM Grand on Monday and then on Thursday we will move to the Wynn, so a few extra days in Vegas to shop, soak up the sun and explore.......

Now some news from Loz....

HEY fellow sussex's...

Yes your right in hearing that my fellow pasty white body has now turned a very painful pink!!!... unfortunate but true, but im surviving in the wondereful hands of the moreton fords, with doctor Chaz creaming me up every hour or so!

However a little pinkness is a small price to pay for the great time i'm having out here, Ive still got to go shopping for all your wishes,

hopefully you got my bebo message i sent ben to all of u guys, if not ask him to show u!

Hoep u all are well,, can't wait to see the red carpet in the hall way!!

Lots of love to u all, miss u very much..

Lozzie xxxxxxxx

Julie Woo........check out my other blog too.... World Of Scraps

Hello from Beverly Hills

Wow.....I didn't realise just how much I needed a holiday. I am enjoying the rest and the sunshine - it is gloriously hot here!!!!

We have been busy but just not having to worry about housework or cooking or food shopping etc makes all the difference.......day 1 we went to Hollywood and some shopping, day 2 we wnt to Universal, I can thoroughly recommend the VIP tour, it was a full on day but we loved every minute of it and of course did some shopping, day 3 we left the girls at the hotel - they wanted to work on their tan, and I got Ross to drive me to a quilting shop where I tried my hardest to buy as much gorgeous fabric as I could......yesterday we went to SeaWorld, it was fun but extremely hot so we came home early, drained of energy and went and refreshed ourselves by the pool.

Today we went to The Mosaic Church, they meet in 4 places, one of them around the corner to our hotel, but Erwin McManus was preaching at the one in Pasadena, so we took a drive up there to hear him - Rico, he was awesome, you have got to come out here and see this guy for real........Pasadena is lovely, it has a beautiful backdrop of mountains, is very pretty, but also very hot as it is inland from Beverly Hills........the preach was awesome and we had a quick chat with Erwin afterwards, such a lovely guy........

Ross and the girls are out by the pool, soaking up the last few hours of sun, and I am meant to be surfing the net looking for a bowling alley, 'cos the girls want to go bowling tonight. Better get on with it and I'll be back soon......

Holiday time.....

Tomorrow we are off on our holiday. Me, Ross, Chaz and Lauren (from church) are off to Los Angeles and Las Vegas. We are looking forward to a great time together, some great times with God, theme parks, sunbathing, swimming, shopping and most of all relaxing and unwinding.

We have 3 different Sundays planned, the first Sunday we will be going to The Mosaic Church, the second Sunday we are going to House of Blues Gospel Brunch and the third Sunday we are going to International Church of Las Vegas.

There is a heatwave in California and Vegas is currently running at approx 110*......it will be so nice to feel the warmth of the sun on us and get away from all the rain we've been having.

We will be keeping in touch, through the blog........now I'd better start packing, changing the beds, housework, laundry........but first I think I'll pop out for a quick coffee with my friend Heather........see you soon.

Praise God.......

It's one year to the day that my darling Nanny died. My Nan was one of the good ones and has left an ache that on some days I can't ignore. I miss so much about her but I know she is in Heaven with God having a ball.....this time last year, I had not long received the phone call to say she had gone and I went out into the garden to speak to God. I asked him to let me know that she was with Him. God spoke to me and told me to read Psalm 15......and there was my answer. Psalm 15 described my Nan perfectly......

1 LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?

2 He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart

3 and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,

4 who despises a vile man
but honors those who fear the LORD,
who keeps his oath
even when it hurts,

5 who lends his money without usury
and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things
will never be shaken.

Thank you Lord. Your words soothe my pain and hurt......always.

An awesome God...

Back in February, me and Ross started looking at houses. There is nothing wrong with our current house and it has served us well and we have put it to good use and been able to bless others through this house, but we felt that if we had a bit more space, we would be able to use the house to bless more people. So we started looking for a larger house. We found a great house but it was out of our budget......we put in an offer of what we could afford and then prayed and left it with God. Yes, we wanted to live there, but deep down we just wanted to be where God wanted us to be.....and if we were to have that house we prayed that would accept our offer. They did - our offer was accepted. We were asked if we could be flexible about moving dates until the owner found somewhere else to live, and we agreed. Since then nothing has happened, and just recently I started to wonder if I really did want to move.....it had gone on so long that I forgot why I wanted to move and what I loved about the new house.

On Monday, I prayed again about the house - I have to admit, it had gone off my prayer list over the last 4-6 weeks, but Monday morning, I asked God to show me very clearly this week, why I wanted to move, whether I still wanted to move and if He did want us to move to make something happen. While driving my car on Monday past the end of the road where the house is, I just knew that I wanted to be there, in that house, the feeling was very strong. On Tuesday, God brought something to my door which reminded me of one of the strong reasons why we wanted to move in the first place. On Tuesday evening, during housegroup we all prayed that the situation would resolve itself and so today after I got home from my bible study, I received a phone call from the estate agents........the owner has put an offer in on a house he likes with a view to completing in August (which was when we wanted to move) but if his offer wasn't accepted, he has said that he will move out and rent somewhere so we can complete in August, because he only wants to sell the house to us........how awesome is that????

I know I shouldn't be surprised when God moves like this, but I am delighted to say that God does surprise me......and I'm so glad he does. Giving our lives over to God, following Him and only Him is huge, but the journey is so fulfilling. There is nowhere else I'd like to be. I love my life and I love my God.

Just do it.......

Why is it, that when God shows an area of our life that needs our attention, we try to avoid doing what needs doing??? Why do we think we can outwait God??? Why does it take sooo long to realise that when God wants you to address something - he wants you to address it and he will wait until you have addressed it??? Wouldn't I grow quicker if I just did what needed to be done???

When God shows me something that needs work, can I really think that by procrasting, ignoring, avoiding, debating it will let me off the hook? If God shows me something that needs attention, then it needs attention....and the quicker I get it done the less painful I can make it for myself. I can take years playing at sorting something out, going through lots of heartache, taking steps forward but also taking some steps backwards and not really moving forward at all - OR I can accept that God knows when and what needs to be looked at and 'just do it'.........because God won't let you leave it, God will wait and wait and wait until you realise that He isn't going away and neither is the issue. So I can take years taking a few small steps or I can take a deep breath, be obedient and push on through and be triumphant.

When you see it written down, it is so obvious isn't it??? So I'm going to adopt that as my personal motto.......Just Do It........lets see if I go through less heartache and grow quicker

Strongholds......

...steal our freedom.
...end up holding us captive.
...are our hiding places.
...pretend to give us something we feel we must have (aid, comfort, protection)

I have a huge stronghold on my life. Built over many years, because I thought it was protecting me, but all too late I realise I am it's prisoner. I want it gone, I hate it being there......but at the same time I like to hide in that place sometimes, where I think I'm safe. On days when I feel strong, I shout out against it......."Go away, leave me alone, I'm not going to believe in you anymore...." I wonder why I think shouting at the tower of bricks I've built around myself, cemented in place over years and years, will suddenly fall away because I've said I don't want it there anymore. It can't happen that way - and it won't happen that way. There is only one way to demolish my stronghold, and that way is with God. After my bible study today, I had this picture about me and my stronghold and I'd like to share...

Imagine a narrow tower thats been built around you, tall and strong. Every brick has it's own reason for being placed in that tower, 'pain', 'hurt', 'lies', 'deceit', 'withdrawal', 'loneliness', 'violence', 'adandonment'....each one supporting the surrounding bricks....and giving every other brick strength to stay in place.
Now picture how dark and cold it is living in that tower. If you're lucky, once a day, when the sun is directly overhead, warmth and light will reach you in the tower, and you will feel good......but what about the days when there are clouds in the sky. Weak light and little warmth might reach you, but it might not, life isn't so good then. So you decide to break out. You chip away at one of the bricks, maybe you choose 'lies', you loosen it enough that you can poke it out - success!!! You can now see out and feel some warm air close to the hole. Clean air smells so good, so good that you want more of it, so you take out another brick, it doesn't matter which one as you are determined to break out. Eventually, you make a hole big enough to step out of the tower. You think you've made it, on the floor you see the broken bricks of 'pain' 'hurt' 'lies' 'deceit' etc., but you don't look back at the tower and see more of those bricks still standing tall. You feel triumphant and for a while you enjoy your freedom. You enjoy the warmth of the sun, life feels great.
Then, your old enemy 'insecurity' shows up again.......you start to look for somewhere to hide. There is your tower, just waiting. There may be a gaping hole in the side, but when you pop your head back inside you can see there are still shadows to hide amongst.....and it's so easy to climb back in. After a while you may chose to break open another hole when you feel strong enough, or you may keep using the original one to access your freedom. The point is this though, we don't want to just make holes in our towers. We want, and need, to demolish them once and for all, so there is nowhere to return to. We don't have the strength to knock out every brick, let alone crush them into dust - but God does. Give Him your all, bare your soul to Him and He will give you HIS all - His strength, power, love, encouragement, rest, peace......and His victory.
What happens then, if 'insecurity' shows up again??? You may look round for your tower, out of habit, but you will see there is nowhere to turn but God. God is our new tower - not to hide in, but our tower of strength and truth to stand upon and stare down 'insecurity' until it shrinks away. And never again will we have to go back into the dark.

My Lifesong......

I have been listening to Casting Crowns "Lifesong" album.........and one song that seems to be "my" song is "And Now My Lifesong Sings"..........I absolutely adore this song, it just seems to sum me and my life up completely.........

Hear it here....

Improve your blog month

I admit it.........I'm not very technical when it comes to pc's. Oh I can use them to chat to people on forums and shop online and send emails but anything more than that and I'm stumped, but I came across this great site which is helping peeps to improve their blog this month........sounds right up my street so check out the details here.......

Breaking Free......

I am currently in the midst of a fantastic bible study called Breaking Free by Beth Moore.........so many, many things have been revealed to me along the way but yesterday was the most amazing part so far.

We have been discussing the potter and the clay and how God has the right to rule and that God's rule is right. We just have to be obedient to that rule. Beth Moore then goes on to describe a picture........

Imagine going to heaven and standing by God as He lovingly shows you the calendar of His plan for your earthly life. It begins with the day you are born. Once you received Christ as Saviour, everyday that follows is outlined in red. You see footprints walking through each day of each week of your life. On many of the days, two sets of footprints appear. You inquire: "Father, are those my footprints on the calendar every day and is the second set of footprints when you joined me?"
He answers, "No, My precious Child. The consistent footprints on your calendar are Mine. The second set of footprints are when you joined Me."
"Where were You going, Father?"
"To the destiny I planned for you, hoping you'd follow."
"But, Father, where are my footprints all those times?"
He answers, "Sometimes you went back to look at old resentments and habits while I was still going forward, hoping you'd join Me. Sometimes, you departed from My path and chose your own calendar instead. Other times, your footprints can even be seen on another person's calendar because you thought you liked their plan better. At other times, you simply stopped because you would not let go of something you could not take to the next day."
"But Father, we ended up OK even if I didn't walk withYou everyday, didn't we?"
He holds you close and smiles, "Yes, Child, we ended up OK. But, you see, Ok was never what I had in mind for you."
"Father, what are those golden treasure boxes on certain days?"
"Blessings, My child, I had for you along the way. Those that are open are those you received. Those still closed were days you did not walk with Me."

How awesome is that.......it really stirred me up and has prompted me to try my hardest to be obedient and join God on my calendar every single moment of every day.

Blessings to you all.