Difficult

This last week has been really difficult.......and not just emotionally. Physically I've come down with a rotten cold and just feel dreadful. I'm shattered, achey, coughing and sniffly - not nice.

Emotionally I haven't faired any better. I have been very down, can't sleep for days and then feel like I could sleep for days and have to drag myself out of bed. I'm tired the whole time and cannot concentrate on anything - a while back I was really starting to worry about my mind, I truly did think I was showing the first signs of alzheimers, but my counsellor assures me that what I'm experiencing is normal when you are under stress. I can sit and read something and immediately afterwards not have a clue what I have just read. I spend a lot of my time standing in a room wondering why I walked in there and I am trying not to do a lot of driving, because I've had a few times where Ive suddenly 'come to' in the car and not known where I was (because I wasn't concentrating on how I got there) forgetting where I'm going and even forgetting how to get to places I could drive to blindfolded, cos I know the routes so well........it's all a bit bizarre and if I'm honest, quite distressing at times. I can't seem to find any solace anywhere - I read my bible, or a daily reading and promptly can't recall what I have read, so any pearls of wisdom I may usually have found are not staying with me.........I feel like I am clinging on, quite literally.......I know God is there, but that is about all I know at the moment, but do you know what??? That is enough, to know He is there.

So true to my previous post, I AM posting, even though I have nothing very much to say.......

I'm back.......hopefully!!!!!

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted on here......but what a year it's been. Some of it good, but most of it bad, which is one of the main reasons I haven't posted.

I have been thinking a lot about the name of this blog - A Life Worth Living - and since July 2008 I've had to wonder 'is it a life worth living?'......I'm not suicudal or anything, but with a name like that it's very hard to post when you are in a very dark place.

The darkness hasn't lifted by any means, and to be honest some days I can't even believe there is an end to the tunnel I'm in, let alone see any light at the end of it........and my trust in people has been completely shattered. Shattered by people I considered real, true friends and the damage has been immense. I have found myself slipping back into past behaviours, and they're not always the right ones. I have retreated from my social circle and thrown up walls to keep everyone out. They went up so fast and strong that they were there before I even realised what I was doing.........and I am locked away so tightly within myself that I don't know how to emerge into the light again. I feel like a spectator on my own life. I feel like I am standing in the wings, watching the sorry excuse for my life as it stands now.........I'm not living life anymore, I'm observing life......even with counselling I'm struggling big time, but I do trust God, and I know he will be with me through this........

So here's to a better year than the last one.......and hopefully I'll keep up with this blog even if I don't think I have anything worth saying.......