Honesty

Honesty is a funny thing.......how many people can truly say they are honest??? Not many of the people that I know can make that claim, or maybe my standards are just too high......especially when I think I lead a totally dishonest life.

I play at life, I have a different mask/personality for different situations and I try to act accordingly......I have no idea how to like or even enjoy life - for me it's always something I have to endure until it's over, I know this isn't normal so I copy people to try and behave like them.......does that mean I'm not real???

I have 7 main masks and have had for most of my life.....daughter, sister, mother, wife, friend, hairdresser, quilter......the problem is I have lived like this for so long I don't know who the real me is. So if I'm not being real, am I living dishonestly???

I have been lied to yet again - but this time I feel no anger, I feel....NOTHING.....in actual fact, I admire the person for having the courage to admit all what they have done - I don't know if I would be so brave to stand before someone and tell them that everything they know about me is a lie and actually the only thing they can honestly know about me is my name, the rest - well it's sits in the bin marked lies. Can I judge them, when I believe my whole life is dishonest??? Can I judge them when other people I know live a life full of half truths and exaggerations and are allowed to merrily go on their way.......when does an exaggeration become a lie, if you are saying something that you know not to be true, then you must be lying, why do we dress it up as an exaggeration??? Sin is sin, so the bible says, it doesn't matter how big the lie, ALL sin is abhorent to God......why should one person be judged because they told big/many lies, when the person standing next to them (and judging them) claims to be better, and more righteous, because they only exaggerated a bit???

I just don't know who or how to trust anymore......how can I when I don't even know I am trustworthy.......

Deeper and deeper........

I feel that I'm sinking deeper and deeper.......I continue to face hurts, disappointments and let downs.

People lie, cheat, steal and slowly and surely they destroy your faith in humankind. They help destroy the trust you have in people, they destroy your confidence, make you think you aren't a good judge of character, make you suspicious of everyone else, don't hold up their end of an agreement, don't make good their promises........promises made before a third party and in the name of God.

They profess to being good Christians, but how can that be when they have stolen, lied to you, gone back on their word and treated you badly........that's certainly not my definition of being a Christian. How they can hold their head up in church is beyond me.......I guess I have to trust that God WILL judge them one day......but the damage for me and my family seems irrepairable right now. It took me years to trust people, years to believe and years to even think I had any hope........the further I sink down, the further away these seem......too far away to grasp onto.

My world has gone back to being black again......black and lonely.........and so full of hurt.

Adrift.....

It seems I am still adrift......I have suffered more panic attacks, anxiety and depression than I ever have before in my life. I have totally lost confidence in everything - myself, my family, friends, church, driving, life in general. The negative voice that has always lived in my head is back with a vengeance and sometimes I get physically worn out with the effort of trying not to listen to it.....and then there are times when I can't be bothered to fight and I listen to all the negativity and totally believe it all. To be honest I think somewhere deep, deep inside I have never stopped believing it.....

I am very thankful for my husband and daughter, I know where I would be without them and it's not a place I should go.....they have had to deal with a lot and put with a lot, they've been fab.....and a couple of friends are totally supportive too, but I'm back feeling I'm living a lie every moment, because I say and do the things I know they want to hear/see......I don't want them to burden themselves with worrying about me, but I also feel a total fraud, so that makes me withdraw even more from them because I hate being dishonest with them......I can't tell them how I really feel; I don't want to scare them.....I know none of them read this blog so it's safe to post it here, at least I feel I can be honest here.....

The people who have hurt us continue to hurt, with hurtful words and actions......the whole episode has left a bad taste in my mouth, and I know that taste, it's called MISTRUST......and has permeated every other area of my life, even my church life. Most sundays I can't face going, the panic sets in on Saturday night and is still there in the morning and I know it's just not going to happen that day.....and if I do go I spend my whole time trying not to turn tail and run out the door. I get nothing out of the service, even the worship, which was always able to break through before, can't reach me......I feel totally cast adrift.....lost and alone......

Thanks to all of you who left comments on my previous post, it's heartwarming to know people take the time to help......most of my life is lived through the window of the pc these days, I can't talk on the phone, in fact I won't even answer the phone.....I text a few people and I communicate mostly through email and facebook, but truthfully I want to walk away from it all and have no more contact, but I know thats a wrong road to walk down and it's not fair on my husband and daughter......so we plod on, exhausted, but unable to sleep, fighting the panic attacks, fighting the depression and fighting the voice in my head......isn't life sweet!!!!!!

Give and take.......

Some people in life give, and some people take........I am a 'giver' but it seems I am surrounded by 'takers'. We have had a run of people taking from us - some openly taking whatever we have to offer and some, taking in a more devious way, and then some who have openly stolen from us.........

At a time in my life where I need people to give to me, emotionally and spiritually, it seems I am not worth the bother. I am unable to give out anymore, I am completely empty - emotionally, spiritually and physically, and all those takers out there, where are they when I need them???? Nowhere!!!!!

So my life has become very small, it revolves around my husband and daughter, God (when I can lift my eyes long enough to seek Him) and my sewing. I find true peace when I sew, I can shut off and just concentrate on the sewing. I can shut off the hurt, pain and disappointment and pretend I don't care.........

Ultimately though, I am going to have to work out where my life is heading. Where I am going to be, what I am going to be, and who I'll allow to join me........but all that takes effort, and I don't have the energy right now, so for now I'm staying in limbo.

In this storm.....

This song really speaks to me at the moment.......

Difficult

This last week has been really difficult.......and not just emotionally. Physically I've come down with a rotten cold and just feel dreadful. I'm shattered, achey, coughing and sniffly - not nice.

Emotionally I haven't faired any better. I have been very down, can't sleep for days and then feel like I could sleep for days and have to drag myself out of bed. I'm tired the whole time and cannot concentrate on anything - a while back I was really starting to worry about my mind, I truly did think I was showing the first signs of alzheimers, but my counsellor assures me that what I'm experiencing is normal when you are under stress. I can sit and read something and immediately afterwards not have a clue what I have just read. I spend a lot of my time standing in a room wondering why I walked in there and I am trying not to do a lot of driving, because I've had a few times where Ive suddenly 'come to' in the car and not known where I was (because I wasn't concentrating on how I got there) forgetting where I'm going and even forgetting how to get to places I could drive to blindfolded, cos I know the routes so well........it's all a bit bizarre and if I'm honest, quite distressing at times. I can't seem to find any solace anywhere - I read my bible, or a daily reading and promptly can't recall what I have read, so any pearls of wisdom I may usually have found are not staying with me.........I feel like I am clinging on, quite literally.......I know God is there, but that is about all I know at the moment, but do you know what??? That is enough, to know He is there.

So true to my previous post, I AM posting, even though I have nothing very much to say.......

I'm back.......hopefully!!!!!

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted on here......but what a year it's been. Some of it good, but most of it bad, which is one of the main reasons I haven't posted.

I have been thinking a lot about the name of this blog - A Life Worth Living - and since July 2008 I've had to wonder 'is it a life worth living?'......I'm not suicudal or anything, but with a name like that it's very hard to post when you are in a very dark place.

The darkness hasn't lifted by any means, and to be honest some days I can't even believe there is an end to the tunnel I'm in, let alone see any light at the end of it........and my trust in people has been completely shattered. Shattered by people I considered real, true friends and the damage has been immense. I have found myself slipping back into past behaviours, and they're not always the right ones. I have retreated from my social circle and thrown up walls to keep everyone out. They went up so fast and strong that they were there before I even realised what I was doing.........and I am locked away so tightly within myself that I don't know how to emerge into the light again. I feel like a spectator on my own life. I feel like I am standing in the wings, watching the sorry excuse for my life as it stands now.........I'm not living life anymore, I'm observing life......even with counselling I'm struggling big time, but I do trust God, and I know he will be with me through this........

So here's to a better year than the last one.......and hopefully I'll keep up with this blog even if I don't think I have anything worth saying.......