Adrift.....

It seems I am still adrift......I have suffered more panic attacks, anxiety and depression than I ever have before in my life. I have totally lost confidence in everything - myself, my family, friends, church, driving, life in general. The negative voice that has always lived in my head is back with a vengeance and sometimes I get physically worn out with the effort of trying not to listen to it.....and then there are times when I can't be bothered to fight and I listen to all the negativity and totally believe it all. To be honest I think somewhere deep, deep inside I have never stopped believing it.....

I am very thankful for my husband and daughter, I know where I would be without them and it's not a place I should go.....they have had to deal with a lot and put with a lot, they've been fab.....and a couple of friends are totally supportive too, but I'm back feeling I'm living a lie every moment, because I say and do the things I know they want to hear/see......I don't want them to burden themselves with worrying about me, but I also feel a total fraud, so that makes me withdraw even more from them because I hate being dishonest with them......I can't tell them how I really feel; I don't want to scare them.....I know none of them read this blog so it's safe to post it here, at least I feel I can be honest here.....

The people who have hurt us continue to hurt, with hurtful words and actions......the whole episode has left a bad taste in my mouth, and I know that taste, it's called MISTRUST......and has permeated every other area of my life, even my church life. Most sundays I can't face going, the panic sets in on Saturday night and is still there in the morning and I know it's just not going to happen that day.....and if I do go I spend my whole time trying not to turn tail and run out the door. I get nothing out of the service, even the worship, which was always able to break through before, can't reach me......I feel totally cast adrift.....lost and alone......

Thanks to all of you who left comments on my previous post, it's heartwarming to know people take the time to help......most of my life is lived through the window of the pc these days, I can't talk on the phone, in fact I won't even answer the phone.....I text a few people and I communicate mostly through email and facebook, but truthfully I want to walk away from it all and have no more contact, but I know thats a wrong road to walk down and it's not fair on my husband and daughter......so we plod on, exhausted, but unable to sleep, fighting the panic attacks, fighting the depression and fighting the voice in my head......isn't life sweet!!!!!!