Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Honesty

Honesty is a funny thing.......how many people can truly say they are honest??? Not many of the people that I know can make that claim, or maybe my standards are just too high......especially when I think I lead a totally dishonest life.

I play at life, I have a different mask/personality for different situations and I try to act accordingly......I have no idea how to like or even enjoy life - for me it's always something I have to endure until it's over, I know this isn't normal so I copy people to try and behave like them.......does that mean I'm not real???

I have 7 main masks and have had for most of my life.....daughter, sister, mother, wife, friend, hairdresser, quilter......the problem is I have lived like this for so long I don't know who the real me is. So if I'm not being real, am I living dishonestly???

I have been lied to yet again - but this time I feel no anger, I feel....NOTHING.....in actual fact, I admire the person for having the courage to admit all what they have done - I don't know if I would be so brave to stand before someone and tell them that everything they know about me is a lie and actually the only thing they can honestly know about me is my name, the rest - well it's sits in the bin marked lies. Can I judge them, when I believe my whole life is dishonest??? Can I judge them when other people I know live a life full of half truths and exaggerations and are allowed to merrily go on their way.......when does an exaggeration become a lie, if you are saying something that you know not to be true, then you must be lying, why do we dress it up as an exaggeration??? Sin is sin, so the bible says, it doesn't matter how big the lie, ALL sin is abhorent to God......why should one person be judged because they told big/many lies, when the person standing next to them (and judging them) claims to be better, and more righteous, because they only exaggerated a bit???

I just don't know who or how to trust anymore......how can I when I don't even know I am trustworthy.......